Poverty
Poverty, specifically lack of money, was seen as a key challenge in mother’s roles as parents, most experiencing major difficulties paying for rent, food, healthcare, education and material goods for themselves and their children.
My children are used to the miserable state. Sometimes we mingle posho [maizemeal] with salt and have it without sauce. We also take tea with no sugar. My children are used to it. (Marjani, 30)
Nabirye (45) commented that her ‘biggest problem is looking at the children go hungry all day’, while Taifa (33) said hers ‘is when this young one falls sick and I don’t have any money [for health care]’.
Lack of money for children’s school fees was a primary concern for Mangeni (22): ‘Paying their school fees is the hardest thing. Sometimes the older one is chased from school and I don’t have a single penny’. Lack of money for school fees was perceived as particularly problematic because receiving a good education was understood by mothers as an important route out of poverty for their children.
Several mothers referred to the difficulty of providing children with sufficiently respectable clothes to maintain their dignity: ‘Other parents look down on what we buy for our children. They say, ‘what is this you are wearing?’ I only buy what I can afford for my kids’ (Nabirye, 45). Finally, Ziraili (28) described the consequences of prioritising spending on her child over herself:
I get very little financial support. I can’t take very good care of myself: I can’t buy expensive clothes if my child has no clothes. I can’t buy any good things to eat before the child eats. I don’t get much from my business.
Nine of the mothers described themselves as single, one being widowed, and the other three received little, if any, financial support from their husbands: ‘He didn’t support us at all… The man mistreated me but did not support me in any way’ (Marjani, 30). Indeed, regardless of their marital status, all participants described themselves as the main income provider. The need to provide materially for themselves and their children meant many of the mothers reported engaging in transactional sex, specifically commercial sex work,1 as a way of moving out of extreme poverty and gaining autonomy. An important impact of this occupation on their roles as mothers was the difficulty in spending time with their children, given their unsocial working hours. Several commented on this:
That is why I said we don’t have enough time. We dedicate very little time to our children. Think of the time I spend with them in the morning before school. I know it is very little. I can’t be sure whether the child was bathed or not or had a mosquito net spread over her bed at night. All I do is seeing them wake up to go to school. I haven’t lied to you. I told you the truth about time. (Ife, 32)
A further concern was that children would become aware of their work, potentially undermining their authority as a parent, impacting on their relationship with their child(ren).
Child Care
Most mothers expressed frustration with the lack of reliable support for childcare from relatives, neighbours and, to a lesser extent, maids. They reported that their children’s fathers provided inconsistent or no financial support or child care: ‘My children don’t get any care from a father’ (Masani, 29). Their preference was to receive support from their own mothers, but for many this was not possible due to the mother living at a great distance, having other commitments, or having died. Resorting to support from other relatives was not always satisfactory. For instance, Dembe (19) commented that she did not want to burden her mother with her grandchild but that she would ‘worry so much through the day’ about whether her cousin would feed her child on time or take care of her baby. Those who employed maids for childcare could also face problems. Taifa (33) described how her child: ‘told me that the maid used to beat them a lot and prohibited them from ever telling anyone. She used to take men home disguised as uncles. From that day, I gave up on maids’. Consequently several participants left their children with a particular ‘lady’ (child minder) in the neighbourhood, who was known for caring for multiple children in the local area. However, some mothers said they had little or no help with childcare.
Rationale for Discipline
The reasons mothers gave for disciplining their children can be grouped into three broad categories: to establish good, or ‘respectable’, behaviour; to establish necessary domestic practices; and to protect children from health risks. Key aspects of good behaviour included not fighting, stealing or swearing, and showing appropriate respect to adults. When asked which child behaviours are most problematic to parents, five mothers referred to children being rude to their parents (primarily mothers) and/or not willingly following their instructions. Mothers were particularly concerned that their children’s behaviour in public should demonstrate good upbringing, this being critical to the mother’s respectability and that of the family in general.
INT: Are you happy with … your child’s behaviour?
I want her to remain that way. She doesn’t disrespect me, she is very obedient. If you tell her to go greet someone, she will go, kneel down and say, ‘how are you?’ since that’s the only greeting she knows. She cannot greet someone while standing, she always kneels down…. She knows where the place, where to do her long calls [defecating]. If she can’t take off her clothes by herself, she asks me to help her and then goes to the right place. … She can’t beg for tea in the neighbourhood. She always tells me when she wants tea. She cannot eat left over pieces of food without asking for permission. She isn’t badly off yet….
You are supposed to teach the child not to respond rudely while an adult is talking. If you don’t you will be embarrassed in public when you tell him something and he announces that he won’t do it. To other people, you will be the one to blame because it is your duty to discipline the child. (Marjani, 30)
Mothers placed particular emphasis on the importance of children ‘greeting’ adults appropriately. This was understood as being critical not only in demonstrating respectable behaviour, but also in maintaining good social relations within the wider community. When asked about why greeting was important mothers explained:
I may greet you in the morning and find out how your night was. I may not have anything to do for you if you had a bad night but at least I will know. I will also be glad if you had a good night. It is a sign of togetherness. You cannot greet someone you hate. You may not have a solution to someone’s problem but you will know their status. That is why we greet. If I went passed you without greeting, I won’t know if you are going through a tough time. (Mangeni, 22)
It’s important to learn how to greet because it teaches to give respect to people and he helps to bring connection to one another. (Eshe, 21)
Several mothers commented on how annoyed they were if other adults informed them that their child had misbehaved somewhere in the neighbourhood. Their concern probably related, at least in part, to a perception expressed by one mother:
A child’s behaviour is adapted from the mother. It is said that a child’s bad behaviour is a display of her mother’s behaviour. I don’t think a child’s behaviour can be any different from her mother’s. (Afia, 22)
A particular anxiety mentioned by half the mothers was that their children might be indiscreet about adult conversations overheard at home. It was clear from a few comments that this related to inadvertently disclosing their mothers’ occupation:
A child shouldn’t talk [participate in conversation] when adults are talking. She will later tell her friends all she had. Remember these are private conversations. Our talk is vulgar. We tell each other what the streets were like the previous night. How can a child listen to such things? (Marjani, 30)
There are some conversations that children are not supposed to listen to at all…. You might talk about the streets where you worked the previous night. The children shouldn’t listen to such. Those are adult conversations…. There are some conversations that are inappropriate for children. For example, I cannot tell my child about my work. (Namono, 22)
Many examples given of incidents that prompted corporal punishment related not to wilful misbehaviour but disruptions to ‘correct’ household management, such as not doing domestic chores properly or following hygienic practices. Mothers were particularly concerned about wasted resources, as in children being careless and breaking household utensils, or losing their shoes or dinner money.
If a child steps on a plate and you don’t blame him while still a minor, he will grow up thinking that it is okay. If you forbid him to do it from childhood, he will always know that it is bad….. For example if there are plates lying on the floor, he shouldn’t jump them but rather remove them and place them in their right position before passing. (Nabirye, 45)
A far less common cause for punishment was to protect children from potential health risks, two mothers mentioning sexual health risks (HIV and defilement) and another playing with electrical appliances. However, the latter also related to concern about resources:
There are some actions that are extreme and call for a beating. I would definitely beat my child if she played with electric appliances or dissembled the radio or DVD player. In case you are away and the child does such things, can be fatal. I punish her there and then. If the electricity is off and she bothers with the appliances without switching off first, it can return any time during the process and shocks her. So, I beat her with a lot of brutality so she won’t do it again.
INT: What do you mean by brutal beating?
Slapping her once or twice isn’t enough. Instead I use a cane to strike her seriously. I point out to her that the electronic is expensive to replace if spoilt.
INT: What if she spoils someone else’s item?
I still punish her. Remember you have to replace that item. That person might give you two or three days to have it replaced but if it belongs to you, it could even take a year without being replaced. (Amanka, 21)
Disciplinary Strategies
Different options for disciplining children, beyond corporal punishment, were explored during interviews. The mothers varied considerably in the number of options they mentioned, from one to over five. All but one referred to withholding food, and all but two to ‘counselling’. The latter was universally recommended, and most said it should be the first response to bad behaviour before corporal punishment. However, it was not always clear what ‘counselling’ entailed. Some mothers talked of the need for calm advice - ‘When you tell a child something gently, it will stick to her mind’ (Taifa, 33) - but others might have meant scolding and threatening punishment.
I have a friend that I usually argue with for being too harsh on her child. She says she scolds her because she wants her to learn how to do chores. She barks at her so hard that she drops anything she has in her hand at the time. I always tell her to teach her gently to avoid scaring her. (Ife, 32)
There were polarised views on withholding food. Two mothers recommended it, in moderation (e.g. not for the whole day):
INT: How can a child be punished?
There are so many ways to do that. It is possible that you buy your child a sweet every day, if he does something wrong, you can go three days with buying the sweet. That’s enough punishment even though you haven’t used a cane. You could cook meat and give everyone else apart from him. That’s a punishment too. My grandmother used to deny us food sometimes when we messed up. You would never do the same mistake again because you wouldn’t want to go hungry again. (Nabirye, 45)
However, all the other interviewees condemned withholding food as too severe, corporal punishment being preferable.
I cannot go hungry all day. It makes me feel so weak and lazy. How can I deny a child food then? It isn’t good…. How can you cook food and serve the rest of the family except for one child, simply because he made a mistake? (Namono, 22)
One mother said that withholding food is dangerous for a child’s health and another that it may push the child to steal out of hunger.
Beyond ‘counselling’ and withholding food, other means of punishment mentioned included: showing disappointment in the child’s behaviour, for instance through ‘a particular look’; withholding special treats, such as sweets or new clothes; restricting them from pleasurable activities, for instance by locking them in the house, sending them to bed early or stopping them playing with friends; and referring them to others to be disciplined, such as their father, grandmother or religious leaders.
Corporal Punishment
All mothers regarded corporal punishment as inevitable in child rearing, being a primary means to respond to bad behaviour, stop it being repeated, and to ‘get rid of naughtiness’ (Eshe, 21). Without corporal punishment children become ‘spoilt’, and were described as ‘haughty’ (Taifa, 33), ‘unruly’ (Masani, 29) or having ‘a superiority complex’ (Mangeni, 22). Several mothers observed that without beatings threats of punishment are soon learnt to be empty, making the management of difficult behaviour more challenging. Several mothers also commented that firm discipline should start from early childhood.
Despite the universal acceptance of corporal punishment, all mothers thought that it can be excessive and considered that a balance is needed between leniency and harshness. Everyone thought that children should receive at least one verbal warning before being hit, but what was considered appropriate corporal punishment varied. Marjani (30) thought one should initially only strike a child twice, it should not be done in anger and beatings should not be done daily. At the other end of the range, Mangeni (22) thought one should only give one warning before corporal punishment, and should then use three to five strokes. In between, Ife (32) described how two strokes can be sufficient, and caning is better than beating violently. She described how she first instructs her child, then threatens, and then beats: ‘I usually give him five strokes but if he gets me more upset, I beat him much more’. Some mothers specified how physical punishment should be administered, for instance only on the buttocks, not before they have eaten and not in public. Amanka (21), who acknowledged that she ‘can be very harsh sometimes’, said that ‘If the situation is not clear (about which child is in the wrong) I beat both of them’ since it avoids one child becoming a favourite.
All mothers provided examples of what constitutes excessive corporal punishment, but their criteria varied considerably. Some referred to the intensity of the physical punishment, condemning ‘ruthless’ or ‘terrible’ beatings, too many strokes, striking all over the body, rather than just the buttocks, and leaving visible marks on the head or face. Several said that parents should only use a cane, not slapping or hitting with fists:
Some parents do not use canes to punish children. They slap them without considering the amount of energy they have in their hands. At times you can even notice the traces of the slaps on the child’s face. Such a parent beats badly. Often times they slap up to the ears and the child’s face swells up. (Ife, 32)
Some referred to the child’s circumstances, saying that beating is only appropriate if the child understands what they did wrong, or that it is wrong to beat intensely if a child steals from hunger. Several mothers said one should not beat children simply for ‘making mistakes’, and one regretted doing so with her 24-month-old daughter:
Another time, she defecated in her potty and left it inside the house. I beat her on that incidence too…. I actually apologised to her afterwards. She explained to me that she put it inside the house because there were people outside. She feared to get embarrassed. I apologised to her and she apologised too. I had beaten her out of anger. (Marjani, 30)
Four mothers observed that one should not beat one’s child when angry, since it leads to excessive beating, some drawing on their own experiences as children:
Adults have their own problems. The child may annoy an adult at a time when she has something bothering her. She will shift all the anger to the child. The reason my mother beat me a lot is because my father married another woman yet I really took my appearance after my father…. She used to chase him away from home instructing him to take his child with him….. So, adults can shift their problems to the child. (Masani, 29)
Other examples given of extraneous parental factors leading to unjustifiably severe beatings were being drunk, resenting step children, or accusing a child of misbehaviour to pursue a vendetta with the other parent.
Seven mothers commented that excessive corporal punishment can be counter-productive, leading children to become ‘stubborn’ or ‘rigid’. Indeed, it was believed that children can become so hardened to harsh beatings that they are no longer a deterrent.
I have a sister who comes here also. The first time I came here, I came with her son. He is used to being beaten all the time. You may refuse him to do something and he does it deliberately because he knows he has to be beaten. He has been raised in a manner whereby he is beaten whenever he makes a mistake. (Masani, 29)
When a child gets accustomed to being beaten, he becomes rigid. You should beat him once in a while, for example once in a month, so that he forgets the pain. If you beat him too much, he will become stubborn and won’t be scared of the canes so he will deliberately do wrong. (Ife, 32)
Degree of Emotional Support
In discussing approaches to discipline, some mothers seemed to endorse principles of what Western analysts term ‘positive parenting’, that is ‘involved, nurturing, and accepting behaviour’ (Lachman et al, 2014). For instance, three mothers said that showing disappointment in their child’s behaviour is, in itself, a means to encourage good behaviour, implicitly recognising that children greatly value their parents’ approval. Taifa (33) recommended that one should not respond to a rude child while angry but: ‘Later, when you feel better, call her and counsel her. Tell her that you will only give your attention to the well-behaved children’. Taifa observed that ‘children listen more if you discipline them lovingly’, but countered this with the need for balance: ‘You should correct a child lovingly but you shouldn’t pamper her too much either. There must be a limit to love’.
Masani (29) commented on her nephew:
He has been raised in a manner whereby he is beaten whenever he makes a mistake… That is violating a child’s rights. When he grows older, he will feel unloved. He will wish to go to other relatives’ homes.
In this way mothers recognised and attached importance to the provision of emotional support to their children. Indeed, the importance of close physical proximity and nurturing practices were also discussed by participants. ‘Nurturing’ practices reported by the mothers included educating and ‘counselling’ their children, and some participants also reported the necessity of creating a friend like bond between a mother and a child in order to eliminate fear from the child. Nevertheless, mothers need to provide materially for their children meant that they were limited in the amount of time they could spend on these more ‘nurturing’ activities.