Abstract
“Women mother,” Chodorow begins The Reproduction of Mothering. It is true. It is also true that some women mother better than others. For daughters who were raised in “average, expectable” homes by “good-enough” mothers, the reproduction of mothering can seem full of promise. For daughters who were not so fortunate, however, the notion of reproduction can be terrifying. Such women may be afraid to become mothers or, more accurately, they may be afraid to become their mothers. In this chapter, Meg Jay—a clinical psychologist and former graduate student of Nancy Chodorow—addresses the courage that is often required to become a mother when the mothering one received has been problematic. Often this courage comes from the mothering one glimpses, or receives in bits and pieces, from “mother figures” outside of the family, such as teachers, mentors, relatives, friends, and therapists. Drawing on clinical work, empirical research, and her own experiences with Chodorow as a mentor, Jay’s message is hopeful about the possibility of “doing it differently” than one’s own mother. It is a message that allows any woman to claim the reproduction of mothering for herself.
This material has been adapted from Supernormal: The Secret World of the Family Hero by Meg Jay (Twelve, 2017).
This is a preview of subscription content, log in via an institution to check access.
Access this chapter
Tax calculation will be finalised at checkout
Purchases are for personal use only
Similar content being viewed by others
Notes
- 1.
Joseph Weiss, How Psychotherapy Works: Process and Technique (New York: Guilford Press, 1993), 131.
- 2.
Weiss, How Psychotherapy Works, 108.
- 3.
Heinz Hartmann, Ego Psychology and the Problem of Adaptation (New York: International University Press, 1939), 23.
- 4.
Donald Winnicott, “Transitional Objects and Transitional Phenomena: A Study of the First Not-Me Possession,” International Journal of Psychoanalysis 34 (1953): 93.
- 5.
Hartmann, Ego Psychology and the Problem of Adaptation, 23.
- 6.
See Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), Behavioral Risk Factor Surveillance System Survey Questionnaire, 2010 (Atlanta: U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, CDC.gov, 27 August 2017); Maxia Dong et al. “The Interrelatedness of Multiple Forms of Childhood Abuse, Neglect, and Household Dysfunction,” Child Abuse and Neglect 28, no. 7 (2004): 771.
- 7.
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) and Kaiser Permanente, The ACE Study Survey Data [Unpublished Data] (Atlanta: U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, CDC.gov, 2016); Vincent Felitti, et al., “Relationship of Childhood Abuse and Household Dysfunction to Many of the Leading Causes of Death in Adults: The Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) Study,” American Journal of Preventive Medicine 14, no. 4 (1998): 249.
- 8.
Nancy Chodorow, The Reproduction of Mothering: Psychoanalysis and the Sociology of Gender (Berkeley: University of California Press, 1999 [1978]), 57.
- 9.
Albert Bandura, Dorothea Ross, and Sheila Ross, “Transmission of Aggression Through Imitation of Aggressive Models,” Journal of Abnormal and Social Psychology 63, no. 3 (1961): 577.
- 10.
Cathy Widom, “Does Violence Beget Violence? A Critical Examination of the Literature,” Psychological Bulletin 106, no. 1 (1989): 3.
- 11.
Ilgi Ozturk Ertem, John Leventhal, and Sara Dobbs, “Intergenerational Continuity of Child Physical Abuse: How Good is the Evidence?” The Lancet 356, no. 9232 (2000): 814.
- 12.
Ibid.
- 13.
Sandra Stith, “The Intergenerational Transmission of Spouse Abuse: A Meta‐Analysis,” Journal of Marriage and Family 62, no. 3 (2000): 640.
- 14.
David Fergusson, Joseph Boden, and L. John Horwood, “Examining the Intergenerational Transmission of Violence in a New Zealand Birth Cohort,” Child Abuse and Neglect 30, no. 2 (2006): 89; Timothy Ireland and Carolyn Smith, “Living in Partner-Violent Families: Developmental Links to Antisocial Behavior and Relationship Violence,” Journal of Youth and Adolescence 38, no. 3 (2009): 323.
- 15.
Widom, “Does Violence Beget Violence?” 3.0.
- 16.
Ashley Jespersen, Martin Lalumière, and Michael Seto, “Sexual Abuse History Among Adult Sex Offenders and Non-Sex Offenders: A Meta-Analysis,” Child Abuse and Neglect 33, no. 3 (2009): 179.
- 17.
Marinus Van IJzendoorn, “Intergenerational Transmission of Parenting: A Review of Studies in Nonclinical Populations,” Developmental Review 12, no. 1 (1992): 76.
- 18.
Jaap Dronkers and Juho Härkönen, “The Intergenerational Transmission of Divorce in Cross-National Perspective: Results from the Fertility and Family Surveys,” Population Studies 62, no. 3 (2008): 273.
- 19.
Falk Lohoff, “Overview of the Genetics of Major Depressive Disorder,” Current Psychiatry Reports 12, no. 6 (2010): 539.
- 20.
Justine Campbell and Tian Oei, “A Cognitive Model for the Intergenerational Transference of Alcohol Use Behavior,” Addictive Behaviors 35, no. 2 (2010): 73.
- 21.
Bandura, Ross, and Ross, “Transmission of Aggression Through Imitation of Aggressive Models,” 601
- 22.
Otto Von Bismarck, “Quotes by Otto von Bismarck.” GoodReads. n.d.
- 23.
Hadass Goldblatt, “Strategies of Coping Among Adolescents Experiencing Interparental Violence,” Journal of Interpersonal Violence 18, no. 5 (2003): 532.
- 24.
Leonard Shengold, Soul Murder: The Effects of Childhood Abuse and Deprivation (New Haven: Yale University Press, 1989), 315.
- 25.
Ana Sale, “Exclusive: Bill de Blasio Speaks with WNYC About His Father’s Suicide,” WNYC, 20 September 2013.
- 26.
Javier Hernandez, “From His Father’s Decline, de Blasio ‘Learned What Not to Do’,” New York Times, 13 October 2013.
- 27.
Mary Ann Mason, “The Baby Penalty,” Chronicle of Higher Education, 5 August 2013; Mary Ann Mason, Nicholas Wolfinger, and Marc Goulden, Do Babies Matter? Gender and Family in the Ivory Tower (New Brunswick: Rutgers University Press, 2013).
- 28.
Chodorow, The Reproduction of Mothering, viii.
- 29.
Harriet Tenenbaum, Faye Crosby, and Melissa Gliner, “Mentoring Relationships in Graduate School,” Journal of Vocational Behavior 59, no. 3 (2001): 330.
- 30.
Paul Vitello, “Lillian B. Rubin, 90, Is Dead; Wrote of Crippling Effects of Gender and Class Norms.” New York Times, 1 July 2014.
- 31.
Ibid., 11.
- 32.
Chodorow, The Reproduction of Mothering, 90.
- 33.
Maya Angelou, I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings (New York: Random House, 2015), 120.
- 34.
Mitch Albom, Tuesdays with Morrie: An Old Man, a Young Man, and Life’s Greatest Lesson (New York: Broadway Books, 1997), 93.
- 35.
National Public Radio, “Jonathan Safran Foer on Marriage, Religion and Universal Balances,” Fresh Air, 11 October (2016).
Bibliography
Albom, Mitch, Tuesdays with Morrie: An Old Man, a Young Man, and Life’s Greatest Lesson. New York: Broadway Books, 1997.
Angelou, Maya, I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings. New York: Random House, 2015.
Bandura, Albert, Dorothea Ross, and Sheila A. Ross, “Transmission of Aggression through Imitation of Aggressive Models.” Journal of Abnormal and Social Psychology 63, no. 3 (1961): 575–582.
———, “Vicarious Reinforcement and Imitative Learning.” Journal of Abnormal and Social Psychology 67, no. 6 (1963): 601–607.
Campbell, Justine M., and Tian P. Oei, “A Cognitive Model for the Intergenerational Transference of Alcohol Use Behavior.” Addictive Behaviors 35, no. 2 (2010): 73–83.
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), Behavioral Risk Factor Surveillance System Survey Questionnaire, 2010. Atlanta: U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, CDC.gov, 27 August 2017.
Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) and Kaiser Permanente, The ACE Study Survey Data [Unpublished Data]. Atlanta: U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, CDC.gov, 2016.
Chodorow, Nancy J, The Reproduction of Mothering: Psychoanalysis and the Sociology of Gender. Berkeley: University of California Press, 1999 [1978].
Dong, Maxia et al., “The Interrelatedness of Multiple Forms of Childhood Abuse, Neglect, and Household Dysfunction.” Child Abuse and Neglect 28, no. 7 (2004): 771–784.
Dronkers, Jaap, and Juho Härkönen, “The Intergenerational Transmission of Divorce in Cross-National Perspective: Results from the Fertility and Family Surveys.” Population Studies 62, no. 3 (2008): 273–288.
Ertem, Ilgi Ozturk, John M. Leventhal, and Sara Dobbs, “Intergenerational Continuity of Child Physical Abuse: How Good Is the Evidence?” The Lancet 356, no. 9232 (2000): 814–819.
Felitti, Vincent J. et al., “Relationship of Childhood Abuse and Household Dysfunction to Many of the Leading Causes of Death in Adults: The Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACE) Study.” American Journal of Preventive Medicine 14, no. 4 (1998): 245–258.
Fergusson, David M., Joseph M. Boden, and L. John Horwood, “Examining the Intergenerational Transmission of Violence in a New Zealand Birth Cohort.” Child Abuse and Neglect 30, no. 2 (2006): 89–108.
Goldblatt, Hadass, “Strategies of Coping among Adolescents Experiencing Interparental Violence.” Journal of Interpersonal Violence 18, no. 5 (2003): 532–552.
Hartmann, Heinz, Ego Psychology and the Problem of Adaptation. New York: International University Press, 1939.
Hernandez, Javier C, “From His Father’s Decline, de Blasio ‘Learned What Not to Do’.” New York Times, 13 October 2013.
Ireland, Timothy O., and Carolyn A. Smith, “Living in Partner-Violent Families: Developmental Links to Antisocial Behavior and Relationship Violence,” Journal of Youth and Adolescence 38, no. 3 (2009): 323–339.
Jespersen, Ashley F., Martin L. Lalumière, and Michael C. Seto, “Sexual Abuse History Among Adult Sex Offenders and Non-Sex Offenders: A Meta-Analysis.” Child Abuse and Neglect 33, no. 3 (2009): 179–192.
Lohoff, Falk W, “Overview of the Genetics of Major Depressive Disorder.” Current Psychiatry Reports 12, no. 6 (2010): 539–546.
Mason, Mary Ann, “The Baby Penalty.” Chronicle of Higher Education, 5 August 2013.
Mason, Mary Ann, Nicholas H. Wolfinger, and Marc Goulden, Do Babies Matter? Gender and Family in the Ivory Tower. New Brunswick: Rutgers University Press, 2013.
Monroe, Marilyn and Ben Hecht, My Story. Lanham, MD: Taylor Trade, 2007.
National Public Radio, “Jonathan Safran Foer On Marriage, Religion and Universal Balances,” Fresh Air, 11 October 2016.
Rubin, Lillian B, The Transcendent Child: Tales of Triumph Over the Past. New York: Basic Books, 1996.
Sale, Ana, “Exclusive: Bill de Blasio Speaks with WNYC About His Father’s Suicide.” WNYC, 20 September 2013.
Salter, Daniel, Dean McMillan, Mark Richards, Tiffany Talbot, Jill Hodges, Arnon Bentovim, Richard Hastings, Jim Stevenson, and David Skuse. “Development of Sexually Abusive Behaviour in Sexually Victimised Males: A Longitudinal Study.” The Lancet 361, no. 9356 (2003): 471–476.
Shengold, Leonard, Soul Murder: The Effects of Childhood Abuse and Deprivation. New Haven: Yale University Press, 1989.
Stith, Sandra M. et al., “The Intergenerational Transmission of Spouse Abuse: A Meta‐Analysis.” Journal of Marriage and Family 62, no. 3 (2000): 640–654.
Tenenbaum, Harriet R., Faye J. Crosby, and Melissa D. Gliner, “Mentoring Relationships in Graduate School.” Journal of Vocational Behavior 59, no. 3 (2001): 326–341.
Van IJzendoorn, Marinus H., “Intergenerational Transmission of Parenting: A Review of Studies in Nonclinical Populations.” Developmental Review 12, no. 1 (1992): 76–99.
Vitello, Paul, “Lillian B. Rubin, 90, Is Dead; Wrote of Crippling Effects of Gender and Class Norms.” New York Times, 1 July 2014.
Von Bismarck, Otto, “Quotes by Otto von Bismarck.” GoodReads. n.d.
Weiss, Joseph, How Psychotherapy Works: Process and Technique. New York: Guilford Press, 1993.
Widom, Cathy S., “The Cycle of Violence.” Science 244, no. 4901 (1989): 160–166.
———, “Does Violence Beget Violence? A Critical Examination of the Literature.” Psychological Bulletin 106, no. 1 (1989): 3–28.
Winnicott, Donald, “Transitional Objects and Transitional Phenomena: A Study of the First Not-Me Possession.” International Journal of Psychoanalysis 34 (1953): 89–97.
Author information
Authors and Affiliations
Editor information
Editors and Affiliations
Rights and permissions
Copyright information
© 2021 The Author(s)
About this chapter
Cite this chapter
Jay, M. (2021). Mother Figures: On Becoming the Mother One Wishes One Had. In: Bueskens, P. (eds) Nancy Chodorow and The Reproduction of Mothering. Palgrave Macmillan, Cham. https://doi.org/10.1007/978-3-030-55590-0_9
Download citation
DOI: https://doi.org/10.1007/978-3-030-55590-0_9
Published:
Publisher Name: Palgrave Macmillan, Cham
Print ISBN: 978-3-030-55589-4
Online ISBN: 978-3-030-55590-0
eBook Packages: Social SciencesSocial Sciences (R0)