When you asked to be saved

I never hesitated even if I was

the youngest of us. Remember

that time I drove five hours

to find you at a gas station with

fluorescent lights, a halo around you.

These days, I no longer ask

questions. Consider the times at the

motel, supermarket, and even in

Denver on the first snowfall of the year.

I didn’t tell you that

my boss nearly fired me for

leaving my shift without notice

when you were in Vermont

with one shoe lost, but it was

worth it to find you before

dusk settled. These days,

dust coagulates in my

throat. My dreams glitch

with finding and missing

you. Tell me why you didn’t

call me that December.

I would have been there for you.

I could have saved you.

Poet’s Statement

This poem is inspired from an encounter with a patient who suffered from substance use disorder. In the clinic, they told me that they had a support system that was lost when they gave in to the usage of drugs. They said that the best thing their family did for them was to stop supporting them. Even though they felt angry and betrayed in those moments, they said that upon reflection, they were glad that their family did not further enable them to continue their substance use. Confidently, they told me that hitting rock bottom was truly the best thing that happened to them. From other family members of those suffering from substance use disorder, I hear a narrative where it is often hard to draw a clear line between caring for someone undergoing a disease and enabling them to continue harmful behaviors. Thus, they feel that being present and potentially enabling is better than abandonment. The point of view from which this poem stems from is as follows: an individual who helps their family member who is suffering from substance use disorder. In this poem, there are nuances of grief, guilt, and love. Through this poem, I aspire for readers to consider how they care for patients undergoing substance use disorder and the impacted loved ones.