Regulating Shame in Schools: All You Need Is Respect

Abstract

Teachers are ordinarily taught that effective communication with kids who misbehave in the class revolves around problem solving. Although such conversations are useful in low shame states, when shame is the major factor fueling the problematic behavior, such conversations lead either to noncooperation or to promises which, if broken, lead to more disappointment and shame. When a teacher and a student experience high levels of shame, their chances of having a constructive problem-solving conversation with each other are slim. Such exchanges are often fights disguising themselves as conversations, or a conversation that lacks any emotional impact because the student is emotionally detached and disconnected. Shame affects not only students and teachers but also the parents of the students. Parents can feel evaluated by teachers (especially if the child is misbehaving at school or fails academically), compare their child to others (and to themselves as students), and can feel stigmatized or marginalized by other parents. In this chapter, the dynamics of shame regulation between teachers and students and between teachers and parents is described. It offers practical suggestions for how teachers can develop a collaborative dialogue with students and their parents in situations marked by shame.