Abstract
In the narration of the making and meaning of couple relationships, the first chapter presents my interlocutors’ ideas of and about love and the process in which they would engage in, when looking for love. The first part of the chapter describes how my interlocutors distinguished idealist romantic love from what they sought, a compatible love on which they could build ‘serious relationships’. The second part of the chapter describes the process of turning attraction, which began with the sighting, into a relationship. The chapter shows that, pitting the strength of compatibility against idealist love, my interlocutors highlighted that a love relationship is a process.
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Notes
- 1.
Gym canteen was where I spent most of my time during fieldwork, conducting interviews, meeting up or whiling my time away. Each faculty within the university, with the exception of Law Faculty, had their own canteens—large warehouse-like buildings furnished with metal and plastic tables and chairs. While these spaces became packed over meal times, they were relatively quiet at other times and I found out that I was not alone in thinking these are good hangout places, if one had time to spare.
- 2.
The closest translation I could offer to this phrase would be, “isn’t it a crazy love story?”. Māra is an adjective that carries connotations of crazy as well as amazing.
- 3.
Dulanga told me that she is very close to her parents and she discusses everything with her mother quite openly. They joke when talking about things like romantic relationships and her mother was aware of her relationship with Saman and all that lead up to it. She described her uncle’s non-interventionist approach to her life as trust , which was an extension of the close relationship she has with her mother, who was her mother’s brother.
- 4.
I had previously thought kæmati also has a distinct use of being applied to refer to preference for objects. For instance, one would say mama ē potaṭa kæmatii if they wished to say, “I love that book”. However, Mr. Wickaramasinghe brought to light that certain distinctions are made when referring to one’s relationship with inanimate, yet changeable objects. An example would be, api parisarayata ādarei (we love our environment) and not api parisarayata kæmatii (we like our environment).
- 5.
Ahmed (2010) in an analysis of happiness , suggests the opposite of what Hiranthi proposed, where Ahmed locates affect associated with happiness as a happening that results from being close and/or associating with happiness -giving objects, whereas happiness as a “feeling appears very precarious, easily displaced not only by other feelings, but even by happiness itself” (ibid.: 33). As the book progresses, it becomes apparent that Hiranthi’s distinction between affect and feeling is less coherent, as love in serious relationships becomes what is and what affects.
- 6.
Sucharitha Gamlath is a renowned scholar and activist, among whose key contributions was introducing Marxist literary criticism to Sinhalese audiences. Gamlath’s work Amintha referred to, though may not be amongst Gamlath’s acclaimed works, seemed to be popular amongst the university student population I worked with during my field research.
- 7.
It is not within the scope of the book to consider the theme of treatment of paid sex workers.
- 8.
“Going to a ‘room’” or “going to ‘balcony’” were euphemisms for sexual intercourse. “Going to a ‘room’” referred to instances where couple rented rooms at guest houses in and around Colombo on an hourly basis, to make out. “Going to ‘balcony’” was to go to the balcony at cinema, which are less busy and dark, where they made out. I will return to this theme later in the book. make out. What happens is that young couples.
- 9.
In Amintha’s rendition of anurāgaya, it appeared as a basic, bodily need in the same sense that eating , shelter and security are but it differs from the well-acknowledged basic needs in the sense that there are fewer cultural constrictions managing their fulfilment .
- 10.
Footnote on sexual repression Asabhya or kunuharupa (filthy language) were words Amintha used to refer to X-rated literature, which he described formed the primary source for sex education for young men. His criticism followed that solely depending on these literature to learn about sexual intercourse, young men develop unrealistic expectations, which he believed to lie at the heart of sexual repression prevalent in society.
- 11.
Durham (2000) and Panter-Brick (2002). Amintha’s use of chronological age, however, asserts its significance to understanding one’s own life experiences. His reference to age was part of a political mission to reposition the locale of appropriateness for sexual intimacy from within marriage to an age category, which he marked with “I’m grown up now” and “I’m 23”. However, he was less clear about what ‘grown up’ means and implied that it is something that happens after leaving school and is marked by being able to make decisions for himself.
- 12.
The term “affair” is often used to refer to relationships, and these don’t have the same connotations as they do in Western context. The relationships referred to may not be publicly acknowledged, and while “affair” is used to refer to what one may be involved in, this is no acknowledgement that one is involved in a sexual relationship .
- 13.
By no means was this an allusion to homosexuality for any references to homosexuality were markedly absent in Amintha’s discourse and those of my other interlocutors.
- 14.
Translated roughly, the verse means ‘maddening love makes beautiful eternal promises in [our] bright eyes in the fluttering, summer of youth ’ featured in Sapta Kanyā, a film directed by H. D. Premaratne and screened in 1993.
- 15.
Associating lack of experience or knowledge of sex and desire with innocence and childlike-ness seems to have a particular kind of an appeal, especially in relation to propriety . Often, more women than men claimed such childlike innocence. I elaborate on this later in the book.
- 16.
This does not imply that young people were encouraged to have romantic relationships. Many young men and women faced different obstacles during their relationships, ranging from unfavourable star alignments to parental displeasure as one would see in this book. What I intend to point out here is that, in the imaginations of the broader Sri Lankan public, love and being young were two things that went together.
- 17.
‘Raggin’ is a form of induction or initiation of new students into university, whereby new students are subjected to an array of verbal or physical abuse of varying degrees by ‘seniors’. While not everyone sees these acts as violent, ‘ragging’ is considered to be a means through which shape and control the sociality of new students by instilling in them norms prevalent at the university. See Ruwanpura (2011) for a detailed account of ragging at Kelaniya University, which is located in the suburbs of Colombo.
- 18.
As many have pointed out, imagination of class is never straightforward and what I present here is a simplification of these ideas. Gamburd (1999), Gunathilaka (1995), Hewamanne (2008), Hewamanne and Brow (1999), and Yapa (1998) outline some of the dynamics that shape/d the Sri Lankan class imagination.
- 19.
Both men and women often pointed out that if anyone in the couple were to be of a higher status , it should be the man. It seems to remain, as Yalman (1967) says that marriage is ideally a union of equals and if anyone is to be of higher status , it should be the man. I believe this is linked to role expectations of men and women in couple relationships, and I will elaborate on this in Chapter 3.
- 20.
What I translated here as ‘insecure’ is hīnamāne, which could also be translated as inferiority complex. Usually, insecurity and need to control figure greatly in references to inferiority complex, amongst Sinhalese.
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Sirisena, M. (2018). Ruminating on Love and Love Relationships. In: The Making and Meaning of Relationships in Sri Lanka. Culture, Mind, and Society. Palgrave Macmillan, Cham. https://doi.org/10.1007/978-3-319-76336-1_2
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