Reinventing Myself: A Search for Identity as an Immigrant Woman in My Journey from Brazil to Canada

Abstract

Introduction: The purpose of this auto-ethnographic essay is to explore the intricacies among immigration, mental health, and feminism, illustrated by my own experience as a Brazilian immigrant woman in Canada.

Main Body: I explore how this move to another country affected my subjective experience, which I initially perceived as a threat to my identity and a loss of part of my story.

Discussion: I analyze this experience through the lenses of the Lacanian psychoanalysis and women’s mental health research and argue that this approach permits to broaden the understanding of the uniqueness that involves the aforementioned experience.

Implications: I examine how the overcoming of the obstacles encountered in this journey might be advanced through the engagement in “reinvention” in order to reconnect one’s identity and unconscious desire.

Response

• Joyce Douglas 

1. Canadian Medical Association, Ottawa, ON, Canada

   Joyce Douglas

Debora writes about the relationships between immigration, mental health, and feminism from a first person perspective. She shares how she made sense of her own trajectory in the loss of identity and story from her “previous life” in Brazil and is in the process of reconstruction of her identity in Canada, given her background and experience in mental health and psychoanalysis.

As she states, her experience is not one that is typically portrayed in the literature about women and immigration, given her academic stature and support system found in friendships and her marriage. Even with these resources as well as her clinical experience in mental health, the process of immigration was a difficult one. Debora invited me to comment on her chapter, given some significant similarities in my experience. As well, Debora and I share common threads to our stories, one of which was that we worked together as lecturers and clinical instructors for a few years at the State University of Campinas. The Brazilian poetry, the lyrics, and some of the situations she describes fill me with nostalgia—the best word I can find to express the untranslatable “saudades”.

I too struggled with the seasonality of the Canadian weather—the unexplainable sadness—but also with the limitation of the freedom of choice. For instance, activities, foods, clothes, and even plants are seasonal and there is a “right time” for everything—but how does one learn except by making mistakes? Who ever knew that in the middle of winter one can’t buy winter clothes, as all the spring clothes are out? Who ever knew that registration for summer camps begins in January for some choice locations? It is painful and humiliating when people look at you as if your questions are ridiculous.

Like Debora, I also saw myself having to write the Canadian Registered Nurses Exam and was advised to “think like a new graduate”. I had to take written and oral English exams as well, even though my English was fluent. I had not needed to go through a job interview in over 15 years. I had been invited to new positions because of my history and reputation. I quickly learned that “bilingual” did not include Portuguese. While I was waiting for every step in the process of becoming an RN in Canada, a process which took over 18 months, I had been able to volunteer with community centers and social agencies to try to understand what health and social issues were a reality in Canada and to begin to build a network of friends and professional contacts. It was also a way of gaining the much needed “Canadian experience”.

In volunteering, I met wonderful people, both among Canadian staff and volunteers as well as newcomers also struggling to understand the culture and the harsh realities of living in another country. I also joined a church. These are still my friends—and my surrogate family—after 15 years here. I finally landed my first job: a temporary 6-month contract, working in multicultural health, and the professionals that hired me had an understanding of my situation, and saw my experience as a strength, not as a weakness.

But the reason for my coming to Canada was not the same as Debora’s: I had two very young children, and I had dreams for them. I wanted them to be able to grow up in a more egalitarian society, where poverty and unemployment are not so prevalent, or where stealing and kidnapping are not as tempting as a means of survival. Brazil is a beautiful country, but one that has suffered from the effects of colonialism, brutal capitalism, and a military dictatorship. The democratic process has been very good for the country and there are so many progressive initiatives that are enviable globally, but there is a way to go.

This is something that is common to many immigrants—a longing for a better life for their children: seeing them become bilingual or even trilingual in a public school system, having access to excellent public libraries, embracing the richness of multiculturalism. Like Debora, I too had to reinvent myself—and will continue to do so.