Abstract
In this chapter, I will look at how the same-sex couple functions and is treated within the wider kinship network. First, I will look at some kinship obligations that same-sex couples may fail, leading to their potential exclusion from the family. Then I will problematize inclusion and exclusion, citing examples where the same practice may be interpreted as either, depending on perspective and expectations. We will then meet some families who have completely integrated the same-sex couple, and some others who, while have not broken off contact, signal their exclusionary attitude through their performative language and/or practices. Finally, I will look at how kinship obligations may cause conflict within the family and the couple, also illustrating that not everybody is happy to be included in their partner’s family.
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Notes
- 1.
In the ‘active ageing’ model, it is meaningful that during her heterosexual relationship Liza was younger and on parental leave, so she needed financial support more; the lifelong parental obligation model does not consider actual financial necessity.
- 2.
She did not have a problem with her heterosexual son bringing girlfriends home, and apparently, those who criticized her also felt that her behavior was only justified by Alexander’s homosexuality.
- 3.
Hungarian makes a difference between French kissing (csók) and light kisses on the cheek or lips (puszi); it is the latter Bence is talking about.
- 4.
‘Ez itt nem szokás’ could translate as ‘this is not a custom here’ or as ‘this is not supposed to be done here.’
- 5.
A part of the wall exhibiting the pictures of relatives the family is proud of.
- 6.
Emese told me the same story and confirmed that the parents had reacted much more negatively to Miklós joining the order than to his coming out as gay.
- 7.
The word buzi, a slur used for gay people, has recently been reclaimed by some individuals and groups in the meaning of ‘queer’ (see the short-lived group Buzi Új Hullám —Queer New Wave—mentioned in Chapter 1), but from a heterosexual person it is clearly offensive.
- 8.
As we may recall from Chapter 3, her brother’s initial acceptance also turned into rejection later on.
- 9.
As Kapitány and Kapitány (2007) point out, the practice of leaving the child with grandparents was not revived in the economic crises after the transition, so it was not only determined by economic circumstances but also by expectations toward parents.
- 10.
Hungarian, like most other languages, distinguishes between the singular you (‘thou’) and the plural one. Vencel’s parents use the singular here.
- 11.
Officially Hungary is governed by the coalition of FIDESZ and the Christian Democratic Party; however, the latter exists only symbolically, as it always acts together with FIDESZ (including running for elections) and never voices any dissenting opinions.
- 12.
I did not interview anyone who had been adopted, so I do not know whether this would complicate family reactions.
- 13.
The Association of Free Democrats, a liberal party (dissolved in the early 2010s).
- 14.
Of course, Vencel’s parents could make efforts to understand the gay subculture more, like some family members we will meet in the next chapter.
- 15.
A letter from the tax office to Arnold’s family was left unopened for two months; Vencel was worried that it might include some payment demand, and if they have missed the deadline they would be fined.
- 16.
At the time of the interview, 1 Euro was about 300 Forints (1 USD about 210 Forints).
- 17.
Originally the day of the saint bearing the person’s name, namedays in Hungary are celebrated just like birthdays.
- 18.
There are some, like Lilla, who are critical toward their family of origin and have all but broken contact with them, but enjoy being included in their partner’s kinship network.
- 19.
As mentioned in Chapter 1, in Hungary NGOs—especially the ones not supporting state policies of familism—are largely run by volunteers, and the few employees (like Norbi was at the time) are underpaid.
- 20.
In both cases, the son’s choice was motivated by a wish serve the public good, but it was exactly this (rather than focusing on his own family’s well-being alone) that was taken differently in the two families.
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Béres-Deák, R. (2020). Queer Families Performing Kinship. In: Queer Families in Hungary . Palgrave Macmillan Studies in Family and Intimate Life. Palgrave Macmillan, Cham. https://doi.org/10.1007/978-3-030-16319-8_5
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