The Self

Abstract

Both of these vignettes illustrate the vast impor­tance in our lives of the way we think about ourselves. Paul doesn’t think very much of him­self, and as a result is avoiding the one relation­ship he has always wanted. In contrast, Brenda thinks so highly of herself that she spoils many of her relationships and seems out of touch with reality. In both cases the views these indivi­duals hold of themselves have very important consequences, not only for their present lives, but possibly for their futures. Paul may marry unsatisfyingly, and Brenda may be­come dangerously depressed. Contained in their conceptions of who they are may be their life trajectories.

Paul had always wanted to marry a woman like Susan, and now he had his chance. Susan seemed eager to spend her time with him; she called fre­quently, and the last time suggested that they go mountain-climbing together on their next holi­day. Paul was excited by the suggestion, and yet resisted it. Why? Because he felt that he really wasn’t a man who could keep her interest very long. He feared that if she spent a long weekend with him, she would discover that he was not very interesting, athletic, or sexually skilled. Paul imagined how hurt he would feel when she re­jected him. He rationalized that he would save himself much heartache by keeping Susan at a distance.

Brenda thinks of herself as a winner. She is proud of her accomplishments, always seems con­fident and outgoing, and usually manages to control the social situation around her. She ex­pects to get into any law school she chooses, and later plans to work on Wall Street, making enough money to build a fortune. Yet Brenda’s grades are only average. She knows that people often gossip behind her back, insinuating that she is conceited and self-centered. She thinks they are jealous and petty, and will never amount to much. She believes that her determination and drive will pull her ahead of the pack, and they will someday grovel at her feet.