Managing the Outside Risk

Abstract

Susan’s story is a composite of the many, many stories we have heard from spouses in business-owning families. Quite simply, it is hard to marry into a family business. The arrival of in-laws in the family system is a significant event; it represents growth in the family and the possibility of a next generation, but it also generates a lot of anxiety. These new family members often make a business-owning family edgy. The perceived danger for family businesses is that an unhappy spouse can threaten a sibling partnership and destroy any sense of team cohesion, in particular if the couple’s tension comes from the family member’s involvement in the family’s business. A spouse can represent a value system that differs from that of the family she or he is joining and may not understand what life in a family owning a business is like. In addition, unless the business is protected by prenuptial and shareholders’ agreements, an embittered spouse can gain access to assets and cripple a family company financially if the couple divorces.

Susan was nervous about leaving New York City, she had always enjoyed the big city and fast pace of life and knew this move for her husband Alan to join his family’s business was going to be an adjustment on many levels. She was ready to give up her law career—the new baby was making that hard to manage anyway—she just wasn’t sure she would be able to fit into the small community where Alan grew up. She did n’t know anyone in the area except Alan’s family, though everyone seemed to know her, which was unnerving. While Alan’s family had always been polite, she felt they didn’t really trust her, a feeling cemented when on the day Alan announced their engagement to his family, they sent over legal documents for a prenuptial agreement.

Once they had settled into their home, Susan started longing for the anonymity of the big city, but Alan was “delighted to be home” where folks drop in at any time of day or night, without notice if they are family. While Susan was glad for a support network for the baby, she resented the lack of privacy. In addition, as the family business was a major employer in town, there were a lot of after-hours obligations for both Alan and her, attending networking and social functions where family attendance was not optional. Susan was glad to be meeting so many people, but she often felt folks had an agenda with her that related to her husband’s role in the business, rather to her as a person. As a result, even when surrounded by a crowd of people, Susan usually felt lonely, and Alan was simply too busy with work to do much about this.

Finally, Susan could not understand the amount of time Alan was spending with his family, at work and after hours. His parents expected all their adult children to dine at their house every weekend, which often degenerated into lengthy conversations about a business deal or angry words around who was doing a better job of holding up their responsibility as a member of the family at work. Susan knew better than to take sides at dinner, but she could not understand why her husband enjoyed his work when all she ever heard were his complaints about his sister and brother’s work ethic. It seemed to Susan that family time for Alan was really just an extension of work time and she started to really question his commitment to living the balanced lifestyle they had promised each other when they were first married.