Participants were aged 13–24 (mean age 17.4 years), 13 were male and 4 were female. Interview times lasted between 20 and 142 min (70 min on average) and 3 participants were accompanied by their mothers (see Table 2). Three concepts emerged: 【Interest in self and self-realization】, 【Intentionality and self-transformation】, and 【Unrealized or unnoticed self】. The concepts are explained below using categories and specific narratives. Boldface type indicates the concept, boldface italics indicates category. Narratives are indented, and parenthetical information follows each narrative listing case letter, age, and gender.
Table 2 Characteristics of participants
Interest inself and self-realization
Focusing on and thinking about myself
Participants began to be consistently interested in themselves. The age for this varied from early childhood to adulthood.
I have not been interested in myself so far [laugh]. Re,,,cently, maybe, I just started to get interested in myself. (D/24, f)
Some participants came to wonder why they were in a special support class or why they were different from other children, which caused them to start thinking about themselves.
I could not act as I liked, I could not act freely in a regular class, I did not have any kind of cooperation, so I’m going to feel, oh, I’m different from others.
[Researcher: Did someone say so to you?]
Not that what I really mean… I started thinking about myself and felt I was different on my own after all. (J/15, f)
In addition, some participants experienced new interest in how others saw them:
When I was 5th grade elementary school student, I was talking with a very good teacher, then, from the teacher’s point of view, I felt like understood how others recognized me for the first time. Yes,,, then I was interested in myself. (G/13, f)
In many cases, when participants experienced environmental changes, they became to think about themselves:
When I became a high school student, my relationships also changed anew, and I worried about getting involved with people in a new environment. How do I get used to the environment? I had to look at myself as necessary. (P/18, m)
Noticing and realizing my own emotions.
Most participants realized their feelings through relationships with others. Various emotions such as joy, love, gratitude, surprise, frustration, nervousness, contrition, were expressed richly.
(At junior high school) The teacher was very scared, and he got angry immediately. He was a scary person, so I had to check my belongings many times. I would be scolded by the teacher when I forgot something. (I/18, f)
On the other hand, more than half of the participants not to express their emotions but to work things out on their own.
Because they (parents and teacher) only say, “you should try your best first,” or “let’s go as it is for a while.” So I didn’t talk to my mom about something even I had trouble with in school. Well, I thought it was worthless to talk to people, both the counselor and my family. (G/13, f)
Being able to be myself feel relaxed.
Most participants felt a sense of security through stable relationships with their friends, classmates, teachers, and family members.
In junior high school, and in high school, well, there was the person who kept company at my talk not to stop, till the end, nevertheless once I started talking, I never finished till all the story ends. I felt relieved at that time. You know, I felt, oh, I am O.K. in this way. (N/ 18, m)
In addition, some participants experienced a stable self through life stability, the improvement of relationships, and making use of their own senses, through the enjoyment of hobbies.
(In elementary school) when I stopped to get angry and violence like beating, kicking…then, the friends gradually increased. Maybe… maybe…naturally. But the results came from junior high school students. Yeah, I really relieved at that time. (E/24, m)
I have loved crafts with cardboard and made models, like a plastic model [laughs]. It still continues now. (B/18, m).
I can’t accept myself.
Some participants felt that it was difficult to accept themselves; they thought of themselves as bad people and hated themselves.
Well…I have a point of view that I hate myself who cannot do well like others. Because… people kept pointing out what I could not do well in elementary school and so on. (B/18, m)
Everyday life is hard; fear and anxiety never go away.
Most participants had experienced other people’s negative perceptions of their disorders:
I guess that was a strange prejudice, in junior high school. Some classmates thought that someone who needed go to the psychiatry was… a slightly …strange, so I could not tell them that I went to the psychiatry…, I was scared to say. Yes, I’m scared to say now, I have not said yet. (I/18, f)
In addition, many participants felt pressure to do things that they could not do well, and they constantly struggled with academic achievement and relationships with classmates and teachers, which caused daily anxiety and tension.
I think I’m working my brain harder than anyone else. Sometimes others tell me that you should have your brain to rest, but if I will take a little rest and feel relieved, soon it will lead to mistakes, yeah, I know, so until I go to bed, I cannot but do my best. (O/16, m)
Participants also talked about feeling insecure at schools and even at home. Some participants were reluctant to relate to people because of fear and anxiety.
I thought I would make a mistake, and didn’t really say a word anymore. (D/24, f)
Most participants described depleted physical strength in everyday activities like relationships with people, and going to school; some described difficulties with sensory sensitivity:
As I thought, [the sun shine] is too bright. When the weather is fine, it's painful for me, it's like can’t stand it anymore… (O/16, m)
Realizing my own sensibilities and, my characteristics
Many participants had realizations about their own characteristics, such as unique ways of thinking or acting in relationships with others.
I didn’t think that it was such a great thing (making a three-dimensional work without drawing), but recently, I was very surprised by my parents. They said they never can do that. I have a picture in my head. (C/16, m)
I was told by my friend that the act I was doing was different from normal, and I clearly understood it was true. I had told so from the friend a few times, from a certain person, not for the first time. For the first time in a junior high school, but,,,yeah, yeah, then I realized it was really true. (M/17, m)
Many participants described other people’s reactions prompting self-realizations that caused them to be proud and gain confidence.
After all, when people ask me to do this work, then, I reply them, yes, sure, I did the work, and someone said to me, “Thank you,”…then I can feel I did the work well. Oh, I did! … I can do… yeah, I did it! (D/24, f)
Intentionality and self-transformation
Realizing transformation of subjective and objective self
Some participants felt that they had changed in terms of, ways of thinking, behavior, and personality, and other felt their perception of their own characteristics and disabilities had changed.
Wow, I have a strong desire to become ordinary, so I was trying to go to university, but now I think it is not necessary to be ordinary, is it ? Because I was not ordinary there are a world that seems to be visible. There’s not much difference whatever I choose. (B/18, m)
When I decided myself something like this, I guess it was only 4th or 5th grade elementary school. It’s only when my parents divorced, so at that time I was not an adult but I felt like that,…I was leaving my childhood, I couldn’t feel so fluffy well…When I was 6th grade, our family moved to another city, so I moved to a regular class, from the special support level. I feel like I need to get it together… (K/17, m)
Participants considered overcoming past painful experiences as connected to their present selves. Almost half of the participants said they felt blessed with their environment and grateful to their families and the people around them.
Because I’ve been working hard until now, I have confidence, I guess I’m getting stuck, I have experiences, so I can do something with it this way, already my experiences has been utilized well in my life. (P/18, m)
Creating myself to be the way I want.
Participants imagined what they wanted to be, such as being on their own and independent from their parents. They wanted to live better and have fun. Their daily life presented various challenges, such as improving academic performance, creating art, and working and earning money.
Well, now, yeah,,, I don’t think that everyone should admit me. Let’s not hide the sickness, well, let’s live in a place where others can accept me as I am. (Q/18, m)
What do I think of life, … life, and after all, I don’t want to make that boring life, I don’t want to make it into boring high school life, I want to make something better. It’s in a better direction, and even if I am not aiming for the best, I say, aiming for the better. (N/18, m)
I had some pets, they were mine, so I had to take care of them. My parents told me it was about time for you to work. Well, I hate to be told so, … and I did my best [to find a job]. (D/24, f)
Wish to be accepted by others.
Participants were keen to be accepted by others. They wanted to be normal, and to be considered normal by others:
I also wanted to think that I was an ordinary girl, I also wanted to be thought that by others too. Even though I knew I was different from others, but I do not want to go [psychiatry] because I usually think that it is good to be normal. So, why do I have to go [psychiatry]? [The doctor told me that] I got better, I was glad, but if I got better, do I need to come [to see the doctor], don’t I? (I/18, f)
They sought to be with people, to be involved, to convey their feelings, and to be understood by others:
It is not disgusting…I would like to talk. Even if I can’t take steps with people, there are so many things I want to talk about, such things too. It’s going to be a machinegun talk, but I want to talk. (N/18, m)
Now I have roughly grasped myself, well, when I overdo it, I say, “I am something like this. I am this kind of human being, that,..so could you please to be generous? (M/16, m)
Participants strongly felt the need to consider the feelings of others involved, and they made efforts to observe the reaction of others carefully and to respond appropriately:
I felt like it was in line with everyone’s actions, and because everyone was thinking this, I decided to do something about reading the air, I decided to do something about it… various topics, hobbies, etc. I'm starting to do everything, whether it's all spread, even I hate or I’m not interested in. (C/16, m)
Unrealized/unnoticed self.
It is hard to realize one’s self.
Some participants felt that their sense of self was uncertain and unstable:
I… I wonder, somewhere, maybe, there is still a gap, likely to collapse, like a domino, like a jenga…something like this, still, shaking well, I think there are still aftershocks, I think maybe. (O/16, m)
In addition, some participants didn’t have the experiences that their emotions arose or shaken even when they interacted with others:
Feeling… I wonder what I felt,,, when I realized that I was different from the children around me… Who cares?? O.K. If I was different, just try to fit others. (J/16, f)
The uninterested self.
Some participants did not focus on their own senses and intentions. Some of them talked about not thinking deeply about themselves, acting passively without asking themselves about their own thoughts and intentions:
This may be a characteristic [of ASD], I couldn’t think about it myself before…It’s like I was doing what I was told to do. I think…you usually say, “I want to do the way I like.” But when I was told something to do and then I did this, I felt that it was my duty to do it. I wasn’t disagreeable, I thought, I was going to do it without question, and say, Yes, I am going to do. (A/19, m)