Skip to main content
Log in

Initial Motivations for Engaging in Polyamorous Relationships

  • Original Paper
  • Published:
Archives of Sexual Behavior Aims and scope Submit manuscript

Abstract

Polyamory is a relationship style in which partners consensually agree to engage in sexual and/or emotional relationships with concurrent partners. Compared with other forms of consensual non-monogamy (CNM), polyamory practitioners tend to report greater relationship satisfaction and less jealousy. However, the unique motivations leading people to engage with polyamory are less understood. Previous research has examined motivations for engaging in CNM relationship styles, in general, but no research has focused exclusively on the motivations of polyamory practitioners. The present study draws on the open-ended responses of 63 U.S. American adults who reported previous or current engagement in at least one consensually polyamorous relationship. Thematic analyses revealed four themes guiding participants’ initial motivations for polyamory engagement: values alignment, relationship factors, external triggers, and sexuality. The study’s themes are discussed in the context of self-determination theory and situated in the existing body of CNM and polyamory research. Directions for future research provide next steps for examining outcomes associated with specific polyamory motivations.

This is a preview of subscription content, log in via an institution to check access.

Access this article

Price excludes VAT (USA)
Tax calculation will be finalised during checkout.

Instant access to the full article PDF.

Similar content being viewed by others

Data availability

Researchers may contact Dr. Tatum to obtain de-identified data.

Code availability

Not applicable.

References

  • Adam, B. D. (2010). Relationship innovation in male couples. In M. Barker & D. Langdridge (Eds.), Understanding non-monogamies (pp. 55–69). Routledge.

    Google Scholar 

  • Aguilar, J. (2013). Situational sexual behaviors: The ideological work of moving toward polyamory in communal living groups. Journal of Contemporary Ethnography, 42(1), 104–129. https://doi.org/10.1177/0891241612464886

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Antalffy, N. (2011). Polyamory and the media. Journal of Media Arts Culture, 8(1).

  • Barker, M., & Langdridge, D. (2010a). Understanding non-monogamies. Routledge.

    Book  Google Scholar 

  • Barker, M., & Langdridge, D. (2010b). What ever happened to non-monogamies? Critical reflections on recent research and theory. Sexualities, 13(6), 748–772.

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Braun, V., & Clarke, V. (2006). Using thematic analysis in psychology. Qualitative Research in Psychology, 3(2), 77–101. https://doi.org/10.1191/1478088706qp063oa

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Brooks, V. R. (1981). Minority stress and lesbian women. Lexington Books.

    Google Scholar 

  • Brunning, L. (2018). The distinctiveness of polyamory. Journal of Applied Philosophy, 35(3), 513–531.

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Burns, E. (2021). Black polyamory: Exploring the complexities of race and sexual freedom. In R. M. Malone, M. R. Stewart, M. Gary-Smith, & J. C. Wadley (Eds.), An intersectional approach to sex therapy: Centering the lives of Black, indigenous, Racialized, and people of color (pp. 197–206). Routledge.

    Chapter  Google Scholar 

  • Charles, M. (2002). Monogamy and its discontents: On winning the Oedipal war. American Journal of Psychoanalysis, 62(2), 119–143.

    Article  PubMed  Google Scholar 

  • Clark, A. J. (2012). The invisible polyamorists; people of color and polyamory in Oakland, CA (Masters Thesis, San Francisco State University).

  • Conley, T. D., Moors, A. C., Matsick, J. L., & Ziegler, A. (2013). The fewer the merrier? Assessing stigma surrounding consensually nonmonogamous romantic relationships. Analyses of Social Issues and Public Policy, 13(1), 1–30.

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Conley, T. D., & Piemonte, J. L. (2021). Are there “better” and “worse” ways to be consensually non-monogamous (CNM)?: CNM types and CNM-specific predictors of dyadic adjustment. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 50(4), 1273–1286.

    Article  PubMed  Google Scholar 

  • Conley, T. D., Piemonte, J. L., Gusakova, S., & Rubin, J. D. (2018). Sexual satisfaction among individuals in monogamous and consensually non-monogamous relationships. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 35(4), 509–531. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407517743078

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Copulsky, D., & Hammack, P. L. (2023). Asexuality, graysexuality, and demisexuality: Distinctions in desire, behavior, and identity. Journal of Sex Research, 60(2), 221–230.

    Article  PubMed  Google Scholar 

  • Deci, E. L., & Ryan, R. M. (2014). Autonomy and need satisfaction in close relationships: Relationships motivation theory. In N. Weinstein (Ed.), Human motivation and interpersonal relationships (pp. 53–73). Springer. https://doi.org/10.1007/978-94-017-8542-6_3

    Chapter  Google Scholar 

  • DePaulo, B. M., & Morris, W. L. (2005). Singles in society and in science. Psychological Inquiry, 16(2–3), 57–83. https://doi.org/10.1080/1047840X.2005.9682918

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Finkel, E. J., Hui, C. M., Carswell, K. L., & Larson, G. M. (2014). The suffocation of marriage: Climbing Mount Maslow without enough oxygen. Psychological Inquiry, 25, 1–41.

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Flicker, S. M., Sancier-Barbosa, F., Moors, A. C., & Browne, L. (2021). A closer look at relationship structures: Relationship satisfaction and attachment among people who practice hierarchical and non-hierarchical polyamory. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 50(4), 1401–1417.

    Article  PubMed  Google Scholar 

  • Flicker, S. M., Thouin-Savard, M. I., & Vaughan, M. D. (2022). Factors that facilitate and hinder the experience of compersion among individuals in consensually non-monogamous relationships. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 51(6), 3035–3048.

    Article  PubMed  Google Scholar 

  • Gahran, A. (2017). Stepping off the relationship escalator: Uncommon love and life. Office the Escalator Enterprises, LLC.

  • Garner, C., Person, M., Goddard, C., Patridge, A., & Bixby, T. (2019). Satisfaction in consensual nonmonogamy. The Family Journal, 27(2), 115–121. https://doi.org/10.1177/1066480719833411

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Grunt-Mejer, K., & Chańska, W. (2020). “How do they even know they love?” The image of polyamory in polish expert discourse. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 49(8), 2829–2847.

    Article  PubMed  PubMed Central  Google Scholar 

  • Hadden, B. W., Rodriguez, L. M., Knee, R., & Porter, B. (2015). Relationship autonomy and support provision in romantic relationships. Motivation and Emotion, 39, 359–373. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11031-014-9455-9

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Haritaworn, J., Lin, C. J., & Klesse, C. (2006). Poly/logue: A critical introduction to polyamory. Sexualities, 9(5), 515–529. https://doi.org/10.1177/1363460706069963

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Haupert, M. L., Gesselman, A. N., Moors, A. C., Fisher, H. E., & Garcia, J. R. (2017). Prevalence of experiences with consensual nonmonogamous relationships: Findings from two national samples of single Americans. Journal of Sex & Marital Therapy, 43(5), 424–440. https://doi.org/10.1080/0092623X.2016.1178675

    Article  CAS  Google Scholar 

  • Jamnik, M. R., & Lane, D. J. (2017). The use of Reddit as an inexpensive source for high-quality data. Practical Assessment, Research, and Evaluation, 22(1), 5. https://doi.org/10.7275/j18t-c009

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Katz, M., & Katz, E. (2022). Reconceptualizing attachment theory through the lens of polyamory. Sexuality & Culture, 26(2), 792–809.

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Kauppi, M. (2021). Polyamory: A clinical toolkit for therapists (and their clients). Rowman & Littlefield.

    Google Scholar 

  • Kean, J. J. (2018). Sex/love skirmishes: “Swinging”,”polyamory”, and the politics of naming. Feminist Media Studies, 18(3), 458–474.

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Kimberly, C., & Hans, J. D. (2017). From fantasy to reality: A grounded theory of experiences in the swinging lifestyle. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 46(3), 789–799.

    Article  PubMed  Google Scholar 

  • Knee, C. R., Lonsbary, C., Canevello, A., & Patrick, H. (2005). Self-determination and conflict in romantic relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 89(6), 997–1009. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.89.6.997

    Article  PubMed  Google Scholar 

  • Kolar, K., & Atchison, C. (2013). Recruitment of sex buyers: A comparison of the efficacy of conventional and computer network-based approaches. Social Science Computer Review, 31(2), 178–190. https://doi.org/10.1177/0894439312453001

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Kolb, S. M. (2012). Grounded theory and the constant comparative method: Valid research strategies for educators. Journal of Emerging Trends in Educational Research and Policy Studies, 3(1), 83–86.

    Google Scholar 

  • Kushnir, I. (2020). Assessing contributing factors of relationship satisfaction in polyamorous and monogamous relationships (Doctoral dissertation, Walden University).

  • LaGuardia, J. G., & Patrick, H. (2008). Self-determination theory as a fundamental theory of close relationships. Canadian Psychology, 49, 201–209. https://doi.org/10.1037/a0012760

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Levine, E. C., Herbenick, D., Martinez, O., Fu, T.-C., & Dodge, B. (2018). Open relationships, nonconsensual nonmonogamy, and monogamy among US adults: Findings from the 2012 National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 47(5), 1439–1450.

    Article  PubMed  PubMed Central  Google Scholar 

  • Mcgahan, J. A. (2019). Polyamorous personal growth (Doctoral dissertation, Saybrook University).

  • Meston, C. M., & Buss, D. M. (2007). Why humans have sex. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 36(4), 477–507.

    Article  PubMed  Google Scholar 

  • Meyer, I. H. (2003). Prejudice, social stress, and mental health in lesbian, gay, and bisexual populations: Conceptual issues and research evidence. Psychological Bulletin, 129(5), 674–697. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.129.5.674

    Article  PubMed  PubMed Central  Google Scholar 

  • Meyer, I. H. (2013). Prejudice, social stress, and mental health in lesbian, gay, and bisexual populations: Conceptual issues and research evidence. Psychology of Sexual Orientation and Gender Diversity, 1(S), 3–26. https://doi.org/10.1037/2329-0382.1.S.3

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Meyer-Goodwin, S. D. (2021). The lived experience of meaningful relationships among adults who self-identify as polyamorous (Doctoral dissertation, Capella University).

  • Mitchell, M. E., Bartholomew, K., & Cobb, R. J. (2014). Need fulfillment in polyamorous relationships. Journal of Sex Research, 51(3), 329–339. https://doi.org/10.1080/00224499.2012.742998

    Article  PubMed  Google Scholar 

  • Moors, A. C., Gesselman, A. N., & Garcia, J. R. (2021). Desire, familiarity, and engagement in polyamory: Results from a national sample of single adults in the United States. Frontiers in Psychology, 12, 619640.

    Article  PubMed  PubMed Central  Google Scholar 

  • Moors, A. C., Mastick, J. L., & Schechinger, H. A. (2017). Unique and shared relationship benefits of consensually non-monogamous and monogamous relationships: A review and insights for moving forward. European Psychologist, 22(1), 55–71. https://doi.org/10.1027/1016-9040/a000278

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Moors, A. C., Ryan, W., & Chopik, W. J. (2019). Multiple loves: The effects of attachment with multiple concurrent romantic partners on relational functioning. Personality and Individual Differences, 147, 102–110.

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Pain, E. (2019). Race, class, gender, and relationship power in queer polyamory. In B. L. Simula, J. E. Sumerau, & A. Miller (Eds.), Expanding the rainbow: Exploring the relationships of bi+, polyamorous, kinky, ace, intersex, and trans people (pp. 107–120). Brill.

    Chapter  Google Scholar 

  • Pallotta-Chiarolli, M. (1995). Choosing not to choose: Beyond monogamy, beyond duality. In C. Guerra & R. White (Eds.), Breaking the barriers of desire (pp. 41–67). Five Leaves Publication.

    Google Scholar 

  • Patrick, H., Knee, C. R., Canevello, A., & Lonsberry, C. (2007). The role of need fulfillment in relationship functioning and well-being: A self-determination theory perspective. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 92, 434–457. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.92.3.434

    Article  PubMed  Google Scholar 

  • Righetti, F., Schneider, I., Ferrier, D., Spiridonova, T., Xiang, R., & Impett, E. A. (2020). The bittersweet taste of sacrifice: Consequences for ambivalence and mixed reactions. Journal of Experimental Psychology: General, 149(10), 1950. https://doi.org/10.1037/xge0000750

    Article  PubMed  Google Scholar 

  • Robinson, M. (2013). Polyamory and monogamy as strategic identities. Journal of Bisexuality, 13(1), 21–38.

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Rosa, B. (1994). Anti-monogamy: A radical challenge to compulsory heterosexuality. In G. Griffin, M. Hester, S. Rai, & S. Roseneil (Eds.), Stirring it: Challenges for feminism (pp. 107–120). Taylor & Francis.

    Google Scholar 

  • Rubin, J. D., Moors, A. C., Matsick, J. L., Ziegler, A., & Conley, T. D. (2014). On the margins: Considering diversity among consensually non-monogamous relationships. Journal für Psychologie, 22(1), 19–37.

    Google Scholar 

  • Ryan, R. M., & Deci, E. L. (2000). Self-determination theory and the facilitation of intrinsic motivation, social development, and well-being. American Psychologist, 55(1), 68–78. https://doi.org/10.1037//0003-066x.55.1.68

    Article  CAS  PubMed  Google Scholar 

  • Séguin, L. J. (2019). The good, the bad, and the ugly: Lay attitudes and perceptions of polyamory. Sexualities, 22(4), 669–690.

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Sheff, E. (2005). Polyamorous women, sexual subjectivity and power. Journal of Contemporary Ethnography, 34(3), 251–283.

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Sheff, E. (2014). The polyamorists next door: Inside multiple-partner relationships and families. Rowman and Littlefield.

    Google Scholar 

  • Sutherland, S. E., Rehman, U. S., Fallis, E. E., & Goodnight, J. A. (2015). Understanding the phenomenon of sexual desire discrepancy in couples. Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality, 24(2), 141–150.

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Thomas, J. S., Ditzfeld, C. P., & Showers, C. J. (2013). Compartmentalization: A window on the defensive self. Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 7(10), 719–731.

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Vilkin, E., & Sprott, R. (2021). Consensual non-monogamy among kink-identified adults: Characteristics, relationship experiences, and unique motivations for polyamory and open relationships. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 50(4), 1521–1536.

    Article  PubMed  Google Scholar 

  • Vowels, L. M., & Mark, K. P. (2020). Strategies for mitigating sexual desire discrepancy in relationships. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 49(3), 1017–1028.

    Article  PubMed  PubMed Central  Google Scholar 

  • Wang, Y. N. (2016). Balanced authenticity predicts optimal well-being: Theoretical conceptualization and empirical development of the authenticity in relationships scale. Personality and Individual Differences, 94, 316–323. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2016.02.001

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Weitzman, G. (2006). Therapy with clients who are bisexual and polyamorous. Journal of Bisexuality, 6(1–2), 137–164.

    Article  Google Scholar 

  • Wood, J., De Santis, C., Desmarais, S., & Milhausen, R. (2021). Motivations for engaging in consensually non-monogamous relationships. Archives of Sexual Behavior, 50(4), 1253–1272. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-020-01873-x

    Article  PubMed  Google Scholar 

  • Young, J. M. (2014). “We are pioneers”: Polyamorists’ stigma management strategies. Research Papers, Paper 533. http://opensiuc.lib.siu.edu/gs_rp/533

  • Ziegler, A., Matsick, J., Moors, A. C., Rubin, J., & Conley, T. D. (2014). Does monogamy harm women? Deconstructing monogamy with a feminist lens. Journal für Psychologie, 22, 1–18.

    Google Scholar 

Download references

Acknowledgements

The authors wish to thank Danielle Davis, Robyn Fisher, Dr. Jerrell Cassidy, and BSU’s Research Design Studio for their assistance with the coding process.

Funding

This project was supported by a start-up package provided by Ball State University’s Office of the Provost.

Author information

Authors and Affiliations

Authors

Corresponding author

Correspondence to Alexander K. Tatum.

Ethics declarations

Conflicts of interest

None.

Ethical Approval

This study was approved by the Ball State University Institutional Review Board.

Additional information

Publisher's Note

Springer Nature remains neutral with regard to jurisdictional claims in published maps and institutional affiliations.

Rights and permissions

Springer Nature or its licensor (e.g. a society or other partner) holds exclusive rights to this article under a publishing agreement with the author(s) or other rightsholder(s); author self-archiving of the accepted manuscript version of this article is solely governed by the terms of such publishing agreement and applicable law.

Reprints and permissions

About this article

Check for updates. Verify currency and authenticity via CrossMark

Cite this article

Tatum, A.K., Flicker, S.M., Peralta, I. et al. Initial Motivations for Engaging in Polyamorous Relationships. Arch Sex Behav 53, 629–644 (2024). https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-023-02750-z

Download citation

  • Received:

  • Revised:

  • Accepted:

  • Published:

  • Issue Date:

  • DOI: https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-023-02750-z

Keywords

Navigation