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Sexual Agreements Among Gay Male Couples

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Abstract

Many gay male couples make agreements about whether or not to permit sex with outside partners, yet little is known about the development and maintenance of these agreements, their impact on relationships, and whether they are an effective HIV prevention strategy. Using semi-structured, qualitative interviews, 39 gay male couples were asked about their sexual agreements and about other relationship dynamics that might affect their agreements. Analysis revealed a wide range of agreement types, all of which are presented along a continuum rather than as discrete categories. For couples with open agreements, most placed rules or conditions limiting when, where, how often, and with whom outside sex was permitted. Although motivations for having agreements varied, HIV prevention did not rank as a primary factor for any couple. Most couples had congruous agreements; however, a small number reported discrepancies which may increase HIV transmission risk. How couples handled breaks in their agreements also varied, depending on what condition was broken, whether it was disclosed, and the partner’s reaction. Additional results include differences in agreement type and motivations for having an agreement based on couple serostatus. Overall, agreements benefited couples by providing boundaries for the relationship, supporting a non-heteronormative identity, and fulfilling the sexual needs of the couple. Future prevention efforts involving gay couples must address the range of agreement types and the meanings couples ascribe to them, in addition to tempering safety messages with the relationship issues that are important to and faced by gay couples.

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Notes

  1. The text in parentheses refers to the participant’s age, race, and HIV status, respectively.

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Acknowledgments

The authors thank the NIMH for providing financial support for this research. This study was supported by NIMH grant MH65141. Special thanks are extended to research staff members Efren Bose, Lynae Darbes, Joey Downey, Raven Mahosadha, Byron Mason, Anne Richards, and Edwin Ramos-Soto as well as the participants for their time and effort discussing their relationships.

Author information

Authors and Affiliations

  1. Center for AIDS Prevention Studies, University of California, 50 Beale Street, Suite 1300, San Francisco, CA, 94105, USA

    Colleen C. Hoff & Sean C. Beougher

Authors
  1. Colleen C. Hoff
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  2. Sean C. Beougher
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Corresponding author

Correspondence to Colleen C. Hoff.

Appendix: Interview Guide

Appendix: Interview Guide

Relationship History

  1. 1.

    Tell me a little about your relationship.

    1. a.

      How did you meet?

    2. b.

      What attracted you to each other?

    3. c.

      How long have you been together?

    4. d.

      Do you live together?

    5. e.

      When did you know you were a couple?

  2. 2.

    What would you say are the strengths of your relationship?

  3. 3.

    What are the weaknesses in your relationship?

  4. 4.

    What kinds of activities do you do together? What do you like or dislike about them?

  5. 5.

    What kinds of activities do you do alone? What do you like or dislike about them?

  6. 6.

    When do you feel closest to your partner?

  7. 7.

    When do you feel most distant from your partner?

  8. 8.

    What keeps you together?

    1. a.

      Do you find it difficult to maintain your relationship?

    2. b.

      What do you get out of your relationship?

    3. c.

      What does the relationship add to your life?

Personal Dispositions

  1. 1.

    Describe three characteristics you like about yourself.

  2. 2.

    Describe three characteristics you dislike about yourself.

  3. 3.

    How do you see your role in the relationship you have with your partner? (Note: Probes are for questions 3–6 in this section)

    1. a.

      How do you feel about that?

    2. b.

      What do you attribute to the roles you have each taken?

    3. c.

      Have the roles changed over time? Why?

    4. d.

      If one emerges as more powerful, what tells you he is more powerful?

    5. e.

      (Note: If the participant has trouble with the word “role,” ask...) If a neighbor was observing you and your partner, how would that person describe you?

  4. 4.

    How does your partner see your role?

  5. 5.

    How do you see your partner’s role in the relationship?

  6. 6.

    How does your partner see his role?

  7. 7.

    How do your roles play out sexually?

  8. 8.

    Name three characteristics about your partner that you like. (Note: If not already discussed)

  9. 9.

    Name three characteristics about your partner that you dislike. (Note: If not already discussed)

Sexual Agreements

  1. 1.

    Many couples have agreements about sex within or outside their relationship. Some of these agreements are clear and discussed with partners, but many are assumed or unspoken. Tell me about any agreements you and your partner have about sex with outside partners.

    1. a.

      How was the agreement made?

    2. b.

      What is the agreement?

    3. c.

      How long have you had the agreement?

    4. d.

      How has the agreement changed over time?

    5. e.

      How explicit is the agreement?

    6. f.

      How easy or hard is it for you to keep the agreement?

    7. g.

      What are strategies for changing or maintaining the agreement?

    8. h.

      What is the benefit to having (or not having) an agreement about sex?

    9. i.

      How comfortable are you with the agreement?

    10. j.

      How do drugs or alcohol impact your agreement?

    11. k.

      Do you see yourselves having an/this agreement in the future?

    12. l.

      How are safer sex practices part of the agreement?

    13. m.

      If seroconversion happened within the relationship, how did it happen?

  2. 2.

    Tell me about a time when the sex agreement you and your partner had about outside partners was broken.

  3. 3.

    Now tell me about any agreements you and your partner have about sex with each other.

    1. a.

      How was the agreement made?

    2. b.

      How long have you had the agreement?

    3. c.

      How has the agreement changed over time?

    4. d.

      How explicit is the agreement?

    5. e.

      How easy or hard is it for you to keep the agreement?

    6. f.

      What are strategies for changing or maintaining the agreement?

    7. g.

      What is the benefit to having (or not having) an agreement about sex?

    8. h.

      How comfortable are you with the agreement?

    9. i.

      Do you see yourselves having an/this agreement in the future?

  4. 4.

    Tell me about a time when the agreement about sex with your partner was broken.

  5. 5.

    How do you think your agreement(s) (or absence of agreement(s)) impacts your relationship?

  6. 6.

    How common do you think agreements about sex are among gay men in relationships?

Norms

  1. 1.

    Tell me about people you and your partner socialize with.

    1. a.

      Do you have many friends who are in relationships?

    2. b.

      Are they gay? Straight? Male or female?

  2. 2.

    How supported is your relationship by friends, family, community? (Note: Participant is to define “community” for himself)

  3. 3.

    Do you and your partner feel party of a community? How does that impact your relationship?

  4. 4.

    Do you and your partner feel a part of any community? How does that impact your relationship?

  5. 5.

    How does your cultural or family background impact your relationship?

    1. a.

      Does it deepen the relationship or cause friction?

    2. b.

      Does it match with your partner’s background? How do you deal with differences?

Goals

  1. 1.

    What are your relationship goals for the future?

    1. a.

      What are your short-term goals and long-term goals?

    2. b.

      (Note: If there are no goals, ask...) Why don’t you have any goals?

    3. c.

      Do you have individual goals?

Closure

  1. 1.

    Is there anything else about your relationship I should know?

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Hoff, C.C., Beougher, S.C. Sexual Agreements Among Gay Male Couples. Arch Sex Behav 39, 774–787 (2010). https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-008-9393-2

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