Samenvatting
Schaamte is een belangrijke emotie. Dit artikel gaat over de spiraal van schaamte en geweld in paarrelaties en gezinnen. Als er in conflicten lichamelijk geweld wordt gebruikt, schamen beide partners zich, maar zeer verschillend. Vrouwen trekken zich terug, vernederen zichzelf en kunnen tegen zichzelf gerichte destructiviteit vertonen. Mannen, die meestal degenen zijn die slaan, ontkennen het gevoel van schaamte en reageren met woede als ze zich vernederd voelen.
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The connection between shame and violence
Shame is an important emotion. The focus in this article is on the spiral of shame and violence in couples. When physical violence is used, both men and women feel ashamed of the consequences of the battering, but in a different way. Men, mostly the batterers, deny the feeling of shame and react with anger if they feel attacked or humiliated. Women that feel ashamed react mostly with withdrawal, self-denial, self-humiliation, and self-destructive behaviour. In this paper shame, rage, avoidance, humiliation, and revenge are connected.
In therapy with those couples it is necessary to bring the shame into the light and to work through the process of feeling ashamed and shaming the other. The focus is on the relation of shame and violence and the possibilities of therapeutic interventions. Underneath the dynamic of violence patterns in families, shame is an important phenomenon that is often denied by the therapist. Important anthropological, psychological and forensic science theories on shame in western and non-western cultures are presented. The main question is how these theories can be of help to understand the dynamics of shame and to find effective therapeutic interventions to end the spiral of shame and violence. In the work with migrant families it is important that the therapist acknowledges the differences in the shame pattern between western and non-western cultures. Finally, the therapist's countertransference and the possibilities to deal with this process are discussed.
martine groen, psychotherapeut, is werkzaam in eigen praktijk te Amsterdam.
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Groen, M. De samenhang van schaamte en geweld. PSIE 29, 149 (2003). https://doi.org/10.1007/BF03062020
DOI: https://doi.org/10.1007/BF03062020