Introduction

Abstract

It is the ‘too good to be true’ new age of high-tech innovation, cozy co-working spaces and innovative playgrounds worldwide which allow to easily start a business venture and create new avenues for personal and business success. Perfect, isn’t it?!

To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.

Ralph Waldo Emerson

Appendix: 10 Most Common Diversion Tactics in Dysfunctional Systems—The Communication View

It is not a complete list of diversion tactics. This list provides an overview of common tactics in dysfunctional systems independent of the abuse type.

1. Toxic triangulation

It is a transaction model with an abuser, controlled target, and passive enabler(s). The triangle makes it very hard to detect the true cause of conflict, drama, and stress. It is a power game to create tensions between controlled target and enabler(s) leading to distraction from the abuse. Communication seems to be ineffective, not fruitful or progressive and cannot lead to (re)solutions because the abuser does not want it. Normally it is defensive communication: The controlled target and enabler(s) want to avoid power plays, anger, negative consequences, and violent outbursts of the abuser at all costs. The enabler(s) are passive and tolerating to the point where it becomes an extremely toxic, fear-based communication climate and negative, unhealthy system

2. Projection (Blaming)

It is a subtle or direct one-directional transaction between the abuser and target to dump wrongdoing and avoid responsibility. This defensive mechanism helps the abuser to blame the target and avoid being accountable for any actions and words. The abuser is not able to self-differentiate which means to understand the concept of self and other individuals. Projection helps thereby the abuser in a (passive-)aggressive way to violate boundaries and project his/her negative feelings and core beliefs onto the target. The target feels disorientated and stressed out because the feelings are not ‘real’. On the other hand, the target also projects onto the abuser his/her good qualities and, hence, oversees the abuse

3. Gaslighting/cognitive dissonance

Another name for gaslighting is crazy-making or brain-washing. It is the most dangerous and subtle manipulation tactic out there. The abuser misdirects, reframes and twists conversations with the aim to disorient, confuse and frustrate the target. Communication with the abuser never leads to any concrete results or goes on and on in a circle with changing topics, argumentation lines and confusing, senseless remarks. Over a period of time the target starts self-gaslighting, dissociation, losing his/her own reality and feeling guilty for being a human individual with needs, thoughts, opinions, values, and moral standards—life-fading is the worst-case scenario which can lead to helplessness, depression, disempowerment and regression. The target loses his/her own voice

4. Word salad/mindreading/drama/lies

Word salad is a conversation tactic to deliberately overwhelm a target with buzzwords, images and circular reasoning to finally say and commit to nothing. It helps the abuser to confuse the target and prevents getting closure in a cycle of abuse: (1) with holding closure is power and control over the target, (2) avoidance of committing to wrongdoing and taking responsibility, and (3) it means unfinished business and, hence, a possibility to start a new cycle of mental and emotional abuse because the target wants to solve the problem and understand what was said and happened. It is a subconscious programming which leads to believing all the lies and emotionally-charged, negative messages of the abuser over and over again. Non-closure often leads to more drama and pain in those cycles of abuse

5. Ignoring/witholding/secretiveness

Communication is used in a cat-and-mouse game. The abuser intentionally withholds information, emotions, attention, intimacy and opinions to keep the target stuck in uncertainty and reactivity. In the silent treatment the target feels confused, worried, anxious, and doubtful, for instance, the abuser disappears or is present but does not answer questions, suddenly leaves the room, checks e-mails or starts a phone call while the target is talking about a specific topic. It is very effective in generating fuel from the target and makes the abuser powerful. Being punished with the silent treatment means feeling invisible, devalued, rejected and not enough in the presence of the abuser. Non-communication is thereby a way to deny appreciation, validation, approval, and love

6. Entitlement/superiority/grandiosity

This tactic is often used interchangeable with the term ‘narcissist’. Engaging with those types of abusers can re-traumatize targets because the abuser diminish achievements, manufacture stress and fear-based, catastrophizing situations, sets impossible standards and expectations, and generalize with blanket statements. The abuser feels threaten by the achievements and talents of others and must win the game. The inferior target most often feels being controlled, out of balance, and shameful for not being worthy. The abuser wants to be the center of attention and is completely self-absorb in conversations including a hyper-focus on flaws, ‘I am busy’ interactions, and micro-management of PR and other activities to control events and outcomes. The abuser feels entitled and shows no remorse

7. Promises/fantasy land/enmeshment

In an abusive relationship the abuser expects from the target to take care, fix and heal, and make the abuser feel better. The target burdens him/herself with his/her emotional baggage and the abuser’s destructive, negative emotions. Oftentimes the target grew up in a dysfunctional system and learned to take care of the parents and other siblings (the parentified child). As a result, the reactive target over-owns his/her responsibility and wants to fix problems and make things work. The abuser knows it and can easily play with promises, future faking and ‘tangle the carrot’: One day we are happy, you get this job, I recognize your competence, etc. It is a false core belief and the enmeshment leads to an undeveloped self, depression, self-doubt, obsessive thinking, and addiction

8. Play victim/hoovering/love bombing

The abuser plays the victim at the beginning or in the hoovering stage of an abusive relationship. This subtle tactic supports opening up to the abuser and believing ‘It is me.’ because the abuser is so kind, innocent and friendly. In conversations with the target the abuser effectively mirrors the target, gives great compliments, pays attention to details and is very engaging and available. After building trust and letting the guard down, the abuser starts to devalue and constantly violate emotional, physical and psychological boundaries or feels boredom and disengage/discard. It is a toxic cycle of abuse which leads to trauma bonding and internalized toxic shame resulting in going back to the abuser to find closure, get love, feel safe again, understand what happened and solve the problem

9. Smear campaign/stalking/isolation

The abuser goes further and not only controls the target but oftentimes the whole system which leads to smear campaigns, stalking and isolation. Typical communication forms are gossip, storytelling, insults, and re-framing to provoke reactivity, silence and self-sabotage. The target should behave ‘crazy’ so that the abuser can destroy the target’s reputation and support network. The abuser craves the position of power and control and therefore knows very well that it is also important to deliberately build a community of supporters, so-called flying monkeys, who keeps the abuser in his/her own power strategy. The addictive flying monkeys/enablers and the abuser constantly trigger, provoke and make the target feel less than and ‘not belonging’ to the group. That builds a toxic ‘powerhouse’ and web of abuse

10. Bullying & ambient abuse/indirect insults

Most overt abusers like to bully, attack and violate boundaries. It is obvious and everyone knows about bully behavior from schools, workplaces or public situations. Contrary to the typical harsh comments and ‘Oh, you are too sensitive’ remarks of overts, ambient abuse takes places on an ‘invisible’ level to silence and put the target down. For example, a seemingly great compliment is painful and threaten the target in a specific context and ‘in-between the lines’ this insult opens a wound. Nobody else can understand the target’s pain and it is very difficult to explain others, even present witnesses, that the seemingly great compliment is a threat. The abuser is sadistic and enjoys seeing the target in pain, fear, obligation, and guilt (FOG) due to the abuser’s indirect and/or nonverbal communications