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Notes
A handful of other philosophers have raised a similar question. See Bryan Weaver and Fiona Woollard, “Marriage and the Norm of Monogamy,” The Monist, Vol. 91, No. 3-4, (2008), pp. 508-510, along with Natasha McKeever, “Is the Requirement of Sexual Exclusivity Consistent with Romantic Love?” Journal of Applied Philosophy, Vol. 33, No. 2, (2015), p. 1. Unlike me, however, Weaver, Woollard, and McKeever go on to hold that monogamy is morally permissible in the end.
Here I draw from Carrie Jenkins’s useful definition of monogamy. See Carrie Jenkins, “Modal Monogamy,” Ergo, Vol. 2, No. 8, (2015), pp. 180-181.
McKeever (op. cit., p. 9) is among those who defend monogamy by appealing to specialness: “[Sexual exclusivity] provides the lovers with a space that belongs to them, together, and to them only. Their sexual world becomes a world that only they inhabit…. This is valuable in itself, as a way of celebrating the uniqueness of the relationship and its intrinsic value…. [S]haring sex exclusively can be one way of making the relationship distinct and special.”
Writing in a similar context, Hallie Liberto suggests that there’s something positively troubling in connecting the value of a relationship to its exclusivity. Specifically, such an attitude appears to objectify one’s partner. Or, as she puts it, “When we treat our partner’s sexuality as more valuable to us because access is limited, then we treat it in the same way that we treat a privately owned painting” (Hallie Liberto, “The Problem with Sexual Promises,” Ethics, Vol. 127, (2017), p. 411).
For accessible and comprehensive information on how the various methods of safer sex reduce the risk of STIs and unwanted pregnancy, I recommend Planned Parenthood’s website (https://www.plannedparenthood.org).
Unfortunately, empirical research on children in non-monogamous families is still quite limited. From what research does exist, however, it seems that children in non-monogamous families do every bit as well as children from monogamous families. In her pioneering work on the subject, sociologist Elisabeth Sheff found that the children she interviewed from non-monogamous families “[o]verall… seemed remarkably articulate, intelligent, self-confident, and well adjusted” and “appeared to be thriving with the plentiful resources and adult attention their families provided” (Elisabeth Sheff, The Polyamorists Next Door: Inside Multiple-Partner Relationships and Families (Lanham, MD: Rowman & Littlefield, 2014), p. 135).
Jenkins (op. cit., p. 184) raises a similar point. For a more extended discussion, see Daniela Cutas, “On Triparenting. Is Having Three Committed Parents Better than Having Only Two?” Journal of Medical Ethics, Vol. 37, No. 12, (2011), 735-738.
Thanks to an anonymous referee for suggesting this point to me.
In their studies of the public’s perceptions of non-monogamy, Conley et al. find that “a major perceived benefit of monogamy is the avoidance of jealousy” (Terri Conley, Ali Ziegler, Amy Moors, Jes Matsick, and Brandon Valentine, “A Critical Examination of Popular Assumptions about the Benefits and Outcomes of Monogamous Relationships,” Personality and Social Psychology Review, Vol. 20, No. 10, (2012), p. 7).
Roger Scruton is among those who press this point. See Roger Scruton, Sexual Desire (New York, NY: The Free Press, 1986), p. 339.
See Aaron Ben-Ze’ev, “Jealousy and Romantic Love,” in Sybil Hart and Maria Legerstee, eds., Handbook of Jealousy: Theory, Research, and Multidisciplinary Approaches (Chichester, UK: Wiley-Blackwell, 2010), pp. 42-43.
Indeed, so central to jealousy is the perceived threat of losing one’s partner to another that some researchers prefer simply to make this the very definition of jealousy (Conley et al., op. cit., p. 7).
For some data in support of this point, see Gregory White, “Jealousy and Partner’s Perceived Motives for Attraction to a Rival,” Social Psychology Quarterly, Vol. 44, No. 1, (1981), 24-30. See also Conley et al. (op. cit., p. 6), who note that “[g]enerally, monogamous people assume that others enter a CNM [consensually non-monogamous] relationship only if they are dissatisfied in their relationship with their primary partner.”
Note that this conclusion is consistent with what Conley et al. (op. cit., p. 7) conclude in their review of the relevant research: “Although only a few studies have examined jealousy in CNM [consensually non-monogamous] relationships, their results indicate that jealousy is more manageable in these relationships than in monogamous relationships… and is experienced less noxiously…. Despite the common belief that monogamy is a way to prevent feelings of jealousy… research has shown that levels of jealousy were actually lower for those in CNM relationships than in a monogamous sample….”
Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert, in their comprehensive guide to non-monogamous life, echo this point. See Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert, More than Two: A Practical Guide to Ethical Polyamory (Portland, OR: Thorntree Press, 2014), p. 317.
The kind of principle invoked here—that realizing and reflecting on the irrationality of a certain thought or feeling helps one to overcome it—is among the foundations of some prominent approaches to psychotherapy, particularly cognitive therapy and rational emotive behavior therapy. See Cory Newman, “Cognitive Restructuring/Cognitive Therapy,” in Christine Nezu and Arthur Nezu, eds., The Oxford Handbook of Cognitive and Behavioral Therapies (New York, NY: Oxford University Press, 2016), 118-141, along with Monica O’Kelly and James Collard, “Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy,” in Christine Nezu and Arthur Nezu, eds., The Oxford Handbook of Cognitive and Behavioral Therapies (New York, NY: Oxford University Press, 2016), 142-159. See also Ronald de Sousa, “Love, Jealousy, and Compersion,” in Christopher Grau and Aaron Smuts, eds., The Oxford Handbook of Philosophy of Love (Oxford, UK: Oxford University Press, 2018), n.p., retrieved from http://www.oxfordhandbooks.com/view/10.1093/oxfordhb/9780199395729.001.0001/oxfordhb-9780199395729-e-30, for a discussion of how jealousy can be transmuted into compersion—that is, finding joy rather than anguish in the fact that one’s partner is enjoying sex or romance with someone else—by modifying the “framing story” in light of which one interprets one’s feelings.
On this point, see Peter Salovey and Judith Rodin, “Coping with Envy and Jealousy,” Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, Vol. 7, No. 1, (1988), 15-33, together with Peter Salovey and Judith Rodin, “Provoking Jealousy and Envy: Domain Relevance and Self-Esteem Threat,” Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, Vol. 10, No. 4, (1991), 395-413, who find that higher self-reliance and self-esteem are associated with lower levels of jealousy. See also Laura Guerrero, “Attachment-Style Differences in the Experience and Expression of Romantic Jealousy,” Personal Relationships, Vol. 5, (1998), 273-291.
See Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy, The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships, and Other Adventures (2nd ed.) (Berkeley, CA: Celestial Arts, 2009), ch. 13, along with Veaux and Rickert (op. cit., ch. 8). As these discussions show, one theme in dealing with jealousy is the importance of maintaining communication. When partners know that they can voice their feelings to one another and be accepted and understood, jealousy has less of a chance to smolder.
See, for example, Weaver and Woollard (op. cit., pp. 515-519).
Thanks to [Zach Barnett, Tobias Fuchs, Hollie Lohman, and several anonymous referees] for helpful comments and discussion.
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Chalmers, H. Is Monogamy Morally Permissible?. J Value Inquiry 53, 225–241 (2019). https://doi.org/10.1007/s10790-018-9663-8
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DOI: https://doi.org/10.1007/s10790-018-9663-8